It has been over 2 weeks since I completed that photography workshop. I am not sure if it’s sheer laziness or just lack of focus that is causing me to struggle selecting photos and subjecting them to post processing. And add to that fact that once I chose something and then be done doing my Photoshop magic, I have this strong urge to click that [X] on the top right and then be faced with that box that says “Save changes to jpg before closing”… I have been clicking ‘No’ like there’s no more tomorrow for weeks now.

You see, I have this insatiable desire to be better with photography and yet I feel dissatisfied. It was the same feeling I had when we were tasked to pick 30 best photos on the said workshop. I even have to consult JZ what to pick to present to DB and the class.

*Sigh*

Am I just simply struggling or already merely doubting my capability? I wish for the former at least.

However, after doing a photo walk with JZ last night, touting our heavy cameras and a tripod with us, I loudly told him “I don’t see anything.” Frustrated one more time, I put my camera back in my bag and then sulked a little bit going back to the car. In spite of that gloomy mood, he said to me, “I bet there will be great pictures there.” I just gave him a guffaw. He knew what that meant. Inside me, there are confusing thoughts “This guy believes in me and yet I know I am not doing well…” I put my gear bag back into the closet, not even bothering to check the photos that we just took.

This morning as I opened my iGoogle, this quote from Paolo Coelho came up:

“…There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you’re fighting for.”

I acknowledge the struggle but I will not concede to defeat. With that, I attached my hard drive again and skimmed through the thousands of thumbnails. I still cannot find myself doing that assignment that I supposed to have done long time ago, that is, picking the best 30. My mouse wandered far away from the SWB workshop folders and landed on one that is marked ‘You.’ My eyes settled on one image. It looked back at me with those dancing eyes.

And just like that, it hit me hard. Maybe he is right, it isn’t too much of a struggle with photography (or maybe it still is). But now I know that I am just one distracted, newlywed who is still so giddy with this change in my life. I can challenge myself some other time as I know what (or who) matters to me more.

Happy Wednesday!